My mind is in a turmoil. All that I have tried to achieve all these years seems to have come to nought. I gave my whole life to my family.First my parents and siblings, then husband, kids and extended family.
Am not being a martyr or highlighting my sacrifices.I did that with all my love and care for them.I never thought of what I want in life.It was always what I could do for them to make their lives happier and satisfied.
It has not been easy to be a single parent and keep my head up in a very conservative and traditional family and society. These past 5 years, ive always tried to hold my head high so that my kids never feel deprived of a parent. The going surely has been rough and so very tough. The world sees a confident, smiling woman who just has it all!!
I dont want to appear weak. The weak moments are my own to be spent in solitude with myself.If I appeared weak I would be torn to shreds.I know that.The strength comes from watching my kids grow into wonderful young people. I always felt I was their friend more than a parent.And they could talk to me about anything under the sun.But somewhere down the line maybe I did remain only a parent and not a friend.Censuring them and pointing out things they could or couldnt do.
But…..suddenly I feel as if everything I have acheived is falling apart. Is it me? Am I to blame for everything? Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?
What did i ask for in return? Just a lil time!! All said and done I am alone.I have nowhere to go.I have no one to care for.No one to love. Coz that is what I miss most…..the loving and caring for someone. Thats what gives me the utmost happiness.
I am in my element when the house is full and I am cooking and serving. Now I hate to cook for myself.I have lost 20kgs which has made many those around me go green.But what they dont understand is how and why I lost it! My appetite is gone……how can you eat a full meal all alone, day in and day out….atleast I can’t.
Added to that the constant struggle with Vitamin M……I dunno how much is enough! Its never enough!
And the cherry on the cake is when its pointed out that I DON’T UNDERSTAND!! This is my inner turmoil right now.What do I not understand and what can I do about it? Who and when will anyone understand my silent screams that rent the night? Who will answer all my unanswered questions?
Can anyone hear me? Is anybody there?
Silence……there is only ME!